If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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