I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
