At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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