evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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