a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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