So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
