you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
