you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I smell like Dick and happiness
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
