I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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