Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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