This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
sex in a hospital.. check
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
