Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
