Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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