just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
