Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
