I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
