Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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