Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
