I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
