things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
