Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
