every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
