I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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