So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
