So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
