We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
