Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
