I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
