My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
