He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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