Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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