Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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