I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Randomize
