I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
