I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She's the barista slut.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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