cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
