But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
