I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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