I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
