Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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