All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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