Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
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