He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
