she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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