I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
