More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
