i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
