he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
