I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
