there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
