Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
