dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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