Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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